Fearless

Taylor Swift once said "Being FEARLESS isn't being 100% Not FEARFUL, it's being terrified but you jump anyway..." That quote has always stood out in my mind. 

A few years back I literally jumped despite of the fear I felt. As a child at the city pool, I would get in line to jump off of the high-dive, and then find myself getting out of line. Fear would consume me. Over ten years later I jumped. I wanted to prove to my inner child that there was nothing to be afraid of. I climbed the ladder, looked down below the end of the diving board, held my breath and jumped. The cold water was invigorating as I shot to the bottom of the pool. I did it! I then wondered what caused the fear that kept me from jumping all of those years. The unknown.

The unknown can be terrifying. If we look at the root of most fears, the unknown is at the center. We don't take that new job because what if we don't like it. We fear results from the dr, because we don't know what they will say and the possibility of what they could say scares us. If we get to the root of our fears, that fear starts to fade away.

We all have fear. Currently, I fear telling someone I like them. I fear the vulnerability of putting myself out there and the fear of not knowing how the other person feels. How hard is it to say "Hey, we have a lot in common. I feel like we have a connection and I really care about you. I like you."? It's harder than you think. I could list 100 fears on that subject alone. I bravely(or stupidly) decided to conquer my fears and decided telling this person is a must. For five years I have let the fear of the unknown keep me silent and torture me by never knowing where it could go. So I am telling him. I've given myself a deadline and my friends are holding me to it. Every day I talk myself out of it because of fear, but strangely enough fear is what also makes me want to tell him. The fear of never knowing and missing my chance, is what motivates me. I kind of want to go all Taylor Swift, making this whole post lowercase with random uppercase letters that spell out his name. Nah....

Fear can be crippling, but it can also be motivating. You can sit in the safety of the shore your whole life, watching everyone else enjoy the ocean, or you can get up and walk into the cool waters of the unknown. Fear isn't so scary when you know the reasons why, and the unknown isn't so scary when you know that God is in the unknown. We just have to trust Him.

I will leave you with another quote from Taylor Swift "Real life is a funny thing, you know. I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you'. When we should have said 'I'm sorry'. So there's a time for silence, and there's a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it. I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now."

So, what fear are you going to conquer by deciding to speak now?

Your Story, Your Voice, Your Light

I think it's starting to sink in. I could pretend it wasn't real, and put on a brave face anytime someone talked about it, but with each step it gets more real. This is my life now.

When I found out the possibility of me having Lupus, I was in shock and cried on the way home while I sang "Shallow Water" by Randy Travis. I needed to remember that God hadn't carried me through oceans in my life, just to let me drowned in a puddle. The next real moment was when I received the diagnosis from the specialist. Tears started to form as I felt a grab in my throat, but I stopped it. I couldn't cry, because I needed to be strong and reassure everyone that I would be okay. Then I picked my medicine up yesterday and took it for the first time today. That's when it got real. I can't ignore this and pretend it isn't there.

While riding in the car with my sister, I had my eyes closed listening to a song, and my thoughts drifted. I felt like my subconscious has slapped me. I remembered the horrible side effects from the medicine that I had read up on the night before. "What did you just put in your body?!" My mind screamed. I know I need to take the medicine to stop the damage Lupus can cause, but at what cost? I could lose too much weight, lose the color of my hair, lose my hair. The medicine could cause me to be more susceptible to get sickness now. I will have to worry about being around someone sick, getting sick, infection. The horror stories I've read about people with lupus ending up in the hospital with kidney infection, having to go on dialysis, and my journey has just begun. Yet I couldn't kick that sobering thought of what had I just put in my body when I took my first dose of the medication.

I've tried to remain positive since first finding out. Last night I talked to my sister and she said she had really cried about my diagnosis. That's when it hit me that I haven't really cried about it and when I have it wasn't crying for me. It was crying for my future children, and if they will have to go through this because of me. I cried because of the stress it can put on my family from worrying about everything I do and feel. I cried for everyone that battles this disease and any sickness in this world. But yet I can't cry for me, and that's who it's happening to. I know I need to and maybe it will happen eventually, but I still don't know how I feel about it. Maybe that's because I won't let myself think about it. Maybe it's denial. I think it's God.

Any time that I start to get emotional, I'm reminded it's for a reason. I remember a kind soul that I met only once, and her bravery, kindness, and willingness to share her story, has stayed with me. I followed her fight with cancer and read each story she shared about the roller coaster of emotions and daily happenings that she went through. I went to her going home services and cried at the evidence of the love and light she left behind. Her life was beautiful and can still be felt today. Because of her simply sharing her story, the good and the bad, it made an impact on me. I started thinking that if she could share her story about the things she went through and it made an impact on my life, then I could share the things I go through and maybe it can do the same for someone.

I still have yet to really cry about being diagnosed with Lupus, and the only thing I can think of to explain why is it's God. I told myself that this was my year, that God was going to do something big in my life this year and it was going to be good. I still believe that. God has slowly been giving me a platform and a voice to speak up about and for things that matter, now He has giving me something else to speak up for. I truly believe that God allows things to happen in our life for the greater good, even if we don't think so at the time. I am going to use the voice God gave me, to speak up for the invisible, the things we cannot see, but feel, and the things that it's hard to find the words for. Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. I know God is there in the unknown. God has given us all a story. It's just up to us to use the voice He gave us to share that story.

What We Suffer Now

Well, I received my results from the specialist today. I have Lupus. I'm not going to lie, I had to blink back tears. The good news is that my kidneys and liver look great.

Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of the body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). It isn't curable, but the symptoms can be treated with medication and lifestyle changes. My everyday life will change for the most part. I have been prescribed medication to help with the inflamation and my immune system. I have to cut out processed food, get plenty of rest and manage my stress levels from here on out.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster. There have been days that I feel absolutely fine, and then there are weeks when it's all I can do to drag myself to school. So when I received my grades for this semester with all A's and 1 B, I smiled because I know God got me through it.

I feel relieved to finally have a diagnosis and know that everything with my health since I was young, has all been because of this. God has given me peace about everything and I know I'm going to be okay. He will continue to bring me through this like He always has. I could ask "Why?", but I know that God has a reason and purpose for everything, and if me having this and sharing my testimony could help someone else recognize symptoms in their self, or bring them closer to God, then I'm glad that He chose me to help do that.

The day before I received the news that I may have Lupus, God put this bible verse in my heart. I inscribed it on the back of my shell necklace for the Miss Indian Alabama pageant not knowing the news I would receive the very next day. Looking back now, I see God showing me all along He can turn a mess into a message and this is mine. Thank you all for the prayers! It really means a lot to me!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

For the last few years, I have gone to the doctor numerous times. I've had several blood tests, X-rays, a heart monitor, stress test, EKG, and many other tests ran just to try and find out what is wrong with me. The only actual diagnosis I've received is being diagnosed and now treated for ADHD. Other than that, I have been told that I have vitamin D deficiency and was low on B12 for a short while. Now I could have taken those diagnosis's and went on my merry way accepting that as the explanation as to why I stay so tired no matter how much I sleep, while my skin is yellowish and I look sickly and why my feet go numb and turn purple anytime that I sit down for more than 5 minutes; but I didn't.

Almost two years into treatment of my ADHD and I finally feel somewhat normal. I'm in college and reaching goals that I have set for myself. So when I went for routine blood work two weeks ago, I didn't think nothing of it. I had an X-ray last Friday and was to find out my results the next Friday. I honestly wasn't nervous. I expected the usual, low vitamin D report, but that isn't what happened.

I should have know something was off when I actually made it to the appointment 15 minutes before scheduled. That just isn't like me. I'm always late. I sat in the waiting room for over 40 minutes and then sat in the exam room for nearly an hour. I was tired and had homework to do. I hear feet approaching the door, and whispers outside about me and something about has the doctor read my results yet. The whispered voices disappear down the hall and I become concerned. Anxiety starts to build as I stare at the walls and think of what could be taking so long.

About 10 minutes later, the doctor comes in. She starts going over my results and explaining the results of the X-ray of my spine, and then says that she is referring me to a specialist because my blood test results are showing that I may have Lupus and my diagnosis and treatment is over her head. My mind wouldn't let me process that information. "What is that? Isn't that painful and something that isn't curable?". The doctor leaves the room after instructing me to wait for the referral. I immediately grab my phone and type "What is Lupus?", in the search bar. Everything starts making sense. All of the symptoms that I've been having for years, is right there in black and white in front of me. Then I start reading about how it can affect a child in utero and the possible birth defects. Will my future children have health issues because of me? Should I even have children now?

Tears are trying to push their way through to the surface, but I won't let them.  I group message my sister and best friends for some kind of response, hoping that I was just over reacting internally. Shock and then advice fills my screen. Reminders of not worrying until I have a diagnosis from the specialist, encouragement that people with lupus can live normal lives with treatment. I told my mother only about my X-ray, and waited until I was home to tell her the other.

The whole drive home I would cry off and on. I would sing a little and then find my mind wandering and the tears I had been suppressing, slowly making their way to the surface. As soon as I walk in, my younger cousin runs up and gives me a much needed hug. God must have given him a nudge. My momma was a lot calmer than I expected and my daddy echoed her response with not accepting this until a specialist makes a diagnosis. The time between now and my appointment will feel like forever. I know I may have more tears escape before I find out for sure if that is what is wrong with me, but I will try and remain positive. 

I don't know why God allows things to happen in our lives, except that they are to make us stronger and condition us for the road ahead.

God, I don't know your plan, but I am trusting you completely. Help me to remain positive and take this day by day. Help me use this as something to strengthen my faith and relationship with You and bring people closer to You. In Jesus name, Amen.

More Than Just a Building

To some people, it may just be a building, but to many, it holds memories. Memories of a first job, first trip driving by yourself to the doctor, the place where you first found out you were expecting, being sworn in as a Tribal Council Member, getting to cut the ribbon as a Tribal Princess, meeting to discuss your future with the tribe after graduating college, and to some, maybe last time you saw a member of the community or loved one before they passed away.

This building holds many memories for many people, and even though the building will no longer be a standing landmark, the memories that each of us have made within in its walls, will serve as a reminder of the beginning of our Tribe, and careers, and will last longer than its structure has.

While I am sad to see it go, I smile as I think of how far we have made it as a Tribe, that we are fortunate enough to be able at goodbye to a piece of our past, as we plan to rebuild something lasting for our future.

Accomplishments Celebrated

When does accomplishing something huge in your life really sink in? It's been 1 month today since I received my GED, my mind still hasn't grasped that yet. I still find myself thinking that I need to be studying and then realize that my diploma is sitting on the fireplace. I was happy that I accomplished that mountain in my life, but then I think why should I be celebrating something that I should have done 4 years ago? My family wants to celebrate, but I just want to move on to the next step in my life. It had felt like an embarrassment because it was something that I should've had a long time ago. Yesterday I received my acceptance letter for college in the mail and realized that was something I thought would never happen a month and a few days ago. See, parallel to the page I wrote this on is a journal entry from a girl that didn't feel like her everyday life reflected the plans God has for her. She prayed for peace in her heart about things taking longer than she planned. I thanked God for being me to where I was that day and I thank Him for bringing me as far as I am today. So, Monday I will order my cap and gown, register for the graduation ceremony in August and I will walk across the stage hand in hand with my sister as we graduate together. Because each accomplishment should be celebrated no matter how small or how long it took to get there.

Something's Missing

In the modern times that we live in, it's rare to find someone that hasn't been affected by divorce in some shape or form. Many people often think of the husband and wife and wonder "What went wrong?", "Who is to blame?". They also think of how tough it is going to be for the kids involved. If there are any. And as my Great Grandmother would say, "Who is going to make the blueberry delight at Christmas?". Holidays change and Sunday dinners are never the same.

Most people think about the immediate family. But what about the nieces and nephews?

I have been affected by divorce on both sides of my family. Being a little kid and hearing that the person that you have known since birth, that you call Aunt(or Uncle) is no longer in the family, is heartbreaking. To a little kid, it's like that person has died. You don't see them anymore. You tip toe around not saying their name and their pictures disappear. It's like someone that was once a big part of your life has died and you never got to say goodbye.

I have lost 2 Aunts in my lifetime to divorce. But only one stayed in my life. Both have been in my life since birth and both spent time with me. They would paint my finger nails. Giggle at silly jokes. Color with me. Let me play with their jewelry and let me help them get ready. They are the ones that gave me my first best friends, my cousins. Until they had their own children, I was their practice baby. They would strap my booster seat in their cars and we would sing along to Shania Twain or Dixie Chicks on the radio.

My first Aunt has always been somebody that I look up to. She is a picture of strength in many ways. I admire her for her humor, strength, kindness and her ability to juggle 100 things at once. I admire that even after the hard times she has had in her life, she picks back up and keeps going. After her and my Uncle separated, she stayed close to my sister and me. She remarried and moved and even though I didn't see her for a few years, I knew she still loved us. She told us that she would always be our Aunt and would always be there for us and she loved us always. We now make trips to visit and I love having her back in my life. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got her back.

My second Aunt gave me my other set of cousins. She has always been crafty and as a child, I loved to watch her take something simple and make it beautiful. She was goofy and made me giggle as a child. Her youngest sibling was close to my sisters age and she would take us to her birthday parties. She had been in my life since I could remember and then one day she disappeared. One holiday she was there and the next she wasn't. We weren't allowed to speak her name and her pictures disappeared. I knew she still existed. But to me, it felt like she had died. Her and my Uncle moved to a different state before the divorce. So the chances of me running in to her in town are slim to none. For over 10 years now I haven't seen her. I've often wondered if she remembers me. If she thinks I hate her for the divorce and the ugliness that came with it. Does she ever ask my cousins about me or look at the pictures on my Facebook page to see how I've grown and what I've been up to? Has she ever thought about reaching out? Does she still remember that she was once my Aunt too?

Divorce can be messy and ugly and sometimes there are casualties that no one really sees. Sometimes you get to keep your Aunt and gain a new Uncle and cousins when she remarries and sometimes you lose an Aunt and a part of your childhood and you think of her when something big happens in your life or when it's time to open the cranberry sauce and you giggle remembering how she hacked it up one year.