Fearless

Taylor Swift once said "Being FEARLESS isn't being 100% Not FEARFUL, it's being terrified but you jump anyway..." That quote has always stood out in my mind. 

A few years back I literally jumped despite of the fear I felt. As a child at the city pool, I would get in line to jump off of the high-dive, and then find myself getting out of line. Fear would consume me. Over ten years later I jumped. I wanted to prove to my inner child that there was nothing to be afraid of. I climbed the ladder, looked down below the end of the diving board, held my breath and jumped. The cold water was invigorating as I shot to the bottom of the pool. I did it! I then wondered what caused the fear that kept me from jumping all of those years. The unknown.

The unknown can be terrifying. If we look at the root of most fears, the unknown is at the center. We don't take that new job because what if we don't like it. We fear results from the dr, because we don't know what they will say and the possibility of what they could say scares us. If we get to the root of our fears, that fear starts to fade away.

We all have fear. Currently, I fear telling someone I like them. I fear the vulnerability of putting myself out there and the fear of not knowing how the other person feels. How hard is it to say "Hey, we have a lot in common. I feel like we have a connection and I really care about you. I like you."? It's harder than you think. I could list 100 fears on that subject alone. I bravely(or stupidly) decided to conquer my fears and decided telling this person is a must. For five years I have let the fear of the unknown keep me silent and torture me by never knowing where it could go. So I am telling him. I've given myself a deadline and my friends are holding me to it. Every day I talk myself out of it because of fear, but strangely enough fear is what also makes me want to tell him. The fear of never knowing and missing my chance, is what motivates me. I kind of want to go all Taylor Swift, making this whole post lowercase with random uppercase letters that spell out his name. Nah....

Fear can be crippling, but it can also be motivating. You can sit in the safety of the shore your whole life, watching everyone else enjoy the ocean, or you can get up and walk into the cool waters of the unknown. Fear isn't so scary when you know the reasons why, and the unknown isn't so scary when you know that God is in the unknown. We just have to trust Him.

I will leave you with another quote from Taylor Swift "Real life is a funny thing, you know. I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you'. When we should have said 'I'm sorry'. So there's a time for silence, and there's a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you'll know it. I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now."

So, what fear are you going to conquer by deciding to speak now?

Your Story, Your Voice, Your Light

I think it's starting to sink in. I could pretend it wasn't real, and put on a brave face anytime someone talked about it, but with each step it gets more real. This is my life now.

When I found out the possibility of me having Lupus, I was in shock and cried on the way home while I sang "Shallow Water" by Randy Travis. I needed to remember that God hadn't carried me through oceans in my life, just to let me drowned in a puddle. The next real moment was when I received the diagnosis from the specialist. Tears started to form as I felt a grab in my throat, but I stopped it. I couldn't cry, because I needed to be strong and reassure everyone that I would be okay. Then I picked my medicine up yesterday and took it for the first time today. That's when it got real. I can't ignore this and pretend it isn't there.

While riding in the car with my sister, I had my eyes closed listening to a song, and my thoughts drifted. I felt like my subconscious has slapped me. I remembered the horrible side effects from the medicine that I had read up on the night before. "What did you just put in your body?!" My mind screamed. I know I need to take the medicine to stop the damage Lupus can cause, but at what cost? I could lose too much weight, lose the color of my hair, lose my hair. The medicine could cause me to be more susceptible to get sickness now. I will have to worry about being around someone sick, getting sick, infection. The horror stories I've read about people with lupus ending up in the hospital with kidney infection, having to go on dialysis, and my journey has just begun. Yet I couldn't kick that sobering thought of what had I just put in my body when I took my first dose of the medication.

I've tried to remain positive since first finding out. Last night I talked to my sister and she said she had really cried about my diagnosis. That's when it hit me that I haven't really cried about it and when I have it wasn't crying for me. It was crying for my future children, and if they will have to go through this because of me. I cried because of the stress it can put on my family from worrying about everything I do and feel. I cried for everyone that battles this disease and any sickness in this world. But yet I can't cry for me, and that's who it's happening to. I know I need to and maybe it will happen eventually, but I still don't know how I feel about it. Maybe that's because I won't let myself think about it. Maybe it's denial. I think it's God.

Any time that I start to get emotional, I'm reminded it's for a reason. I remember a kind soul that I met only once, and her bravery, kindness, and willingness to share her story, has stayed with me. I followed her fight with cancer and read each story she shared about the roller coaster of emotions and daily happenings that she went through. I went to her going home services and cried at the evidence of the love and light she left behind. Her life was beautiful and can still be felt today. Because of her simply sharing her story, the good and the bad, it made an impact on me. I started thinking that if she could share her story about the things she went through and it made an impact on my life, then I could share the things I go through and maybe it can do the same for someone.

I still have yet to really cry about being diagnosed with Lupus, and the only thing I can think of to explain why is it's God. I told myself that this was my year, that God was going to do something big in my life this year and it was going to be good. I still believe that. God has slowly been giving me a platform and a voice to speak up about and for things that matter, now He has giving me something else to speak up for. I truly believe that God allows things to happen in our life for the greater good, even if we don't think so at the time. I am going to use the voice God gave me, to speak up for the invisible, the things we cannot see, but feel, and the things that it's hard to find the words for. Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. I know God is there in the unknown. God has given us all a story. It's just up to us to use the voice He gave us to share that story.

What We Suffer Now

Well, I received my results from the specialist today. I have Lupus. I'm not going to lie, I had to blink back tears. The good news is that my kidneys and liver look great.

Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of the body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). It isn't curable, but the symptoms can be treated with medication and lifestyle changes. My everyday life will change for the most part. I have been prescribed medication to help with the inflamation and my immune system. I have to cut out processed food, get plenty of rest and manage my stress levels from here on out.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster. There have been days that I feel absolutely fine, and then there are weeks when it's all I can do to drag myself to school. So when I received my grades for this semester with all A's and 1 B, I smiled because I know God got me through it.

I feel relieved to finally have a diagnosis and know that everything with my health since I was young, has all been because of this. God has given me peace about everything and I know I'm going to be okay. He will continue to bring me through this like He always has. I could ask "Why?", but I know that God has a reason and purpose for everything, and if me having this and sharing my testimony could help someone else recognize symptoms in their self, or bring them closer to God, then I'm glad that He chose me to help do that.

The day before I received the news that I may have Lupus, God put this bible verse in my heart. I inscribed it on the back of my shell necklace for the Miss Indian Alabama pageant not knowing the news I would receive the very next day. Looking back now, I see God showing me all along He can turn a mess into a message and this is mine. Thank you all for the prayers! It really means a lot to me!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

For the last few years, I have gone to the doctor numerous times. I've had several blood tests, X-rays, a heart monitor, stress test, EKG, and many other tests ran just to try and find out what is wrong with me. The only actual diagnosis I've received is being diagnosed and now treated for ADHD. Other than that, I have been told that I have vitamin D deficiency and was low on B12 for a short while. Now I could have taken those diagnosis's and went on my merry way accepting that as the explanation as to why I stay so tired no matter how much I sleep, while my skin is yellowish and I look sickly and why my feet go numb and turn purple anytime that I sit down for more than 5 minutes; but I didn't.

Almost two years into treatment of my ADHD and I finally feel somewhat normal. I'm in college and reaching goals that I have set for myself. So when I went for routine blood work two weeks ago, I didn't think nothing of it. I had an X-ray last Friday and was to find out my results the next Friday. I honestly wasn't nervous. I expected the usual, low vitamin D report, but that isn't what happened.

I should have know something was off when I actually made it to the appointment 15 minutes before scheduled. That just isn't like me. I'm always late. I sat in the waiting room for over 40 minutes and then sat in the exam room for nearly an hour. I was tired and had homework to do. I hear feet approaching the door, and whispers outside about me and something about has the doctor read my results yet. The whispered voices disappear down the hall and I become concerned. Anxiety starts to build as I stare at the walls and think of what could be taking so long.

About 10 minutes later, the doctor comes in. She starts going over my results and explaining the results of the X-ray of my spine, and then says that she is referring me to a specialist because my blood test results are showing that I may have Lupus and my diagnosis and treatment is over her head. My mind wouldn't let me process that information. "What is that? Isn't that painful and something that isn't curable?". The doctor leaves the room after instructing me to wait for the referral. I immediately grab my phone and type "What is Lupus?", in the search bar. Everything starts making sense. All of the symptoms that I've been having for years, is right there in black and white in front of me. Then I start reading about how it can affect a child in utero and the possible birth defects. Will my future children have health issues because of me? Should I even have children now?

Tears are trying to push their way through to the surface, but I won't let them.  I group message my sister and best friends for some kind of response, hoping that I was just over reacting internally. Shock and then advice fills my screen. Reminders of not worrying until I have a diagnosis from the specialist, encouragement that people with lupus can live normal lives with treatment. I told my mother only about my X-ray, and waited until I was home to tell her the other.

The whole drive home I would cry off and on. I would sing a little and then find my mind wandering and the tears I had been suppressing, slowly making their way to the surface. As soon as I walk in, my younger cousin runs up and gives me a much needed hug. God must have given him a nudge. My momma was a lot calmer than I expected and my daddy echoed her response with not accepting this until a specialist makes a diagnosis. The time between now and my appointment will feel like forever. I know I may have more tears escape before I find out for sure if that is what is wrong with me, but I will try and remain positive. 

I don't know why God allows things to happen in our lives, except that they are to make us stronger and condition us for the road ahead.

God, I don't know your plan, but I am trusting you completely. Help me to remain positive and take this day by day. Help me use this as something to strengthen my faith and relationship with You and bring people closer to You. In Jesus name, Amen.

More Than Just a Building

To some people, it may just be a building, but to many, it holds memories. Memories of a first job, first trip driving by yourself to the doctor, the place where you first found out you were expecting, being sworn in as a Tribal Council Member, getting to cut the ribbon as a Tribal Princess, meeting to discuss your future with the tribe after graduating college, and to some, maybe last time you saw a member of the community or loved one before they passed away.

This building holds many memories for many people, and even though the building will no longer be a standing landmark, the memories that each of us have made within in its walls, will serve as a reminder of the beginning of our Tribe, and careers, and will last longer than its structure has.

While I am sad to see it go, I smile as I think of how far we have made it as a Tribe, that we are fortunate enough to be able at goodbye to a piece of our past, as we plan to rebuild something lasting for our future.

Accomplishments Celebrated

When does accomplishing something huge in your life really sink in? It's been 1 month today since I received my GED, my mind still hasn't grasped that yet. I still find myself thinking that I need to be studying and then realize that my diploma is sitting on the fireplace. I was happy that I accomplished that mountain in my life, but then I think why should I be celebrating something that I should have done 4 years ago? My family wants to celebrate, but I just want to move on to the next step in my life. It had felt like an embarrassment because it was something that I should've had a long time ago. Yesterday I received my acceptance letter for college in the mail and realized that was something I thought would never happen a month and a few days ago. See, parallel to the page I wrote this on is a journal entry from a girl that didn't feel like her everyday life reflected the plans God has for her. She prayed for peace in her heart about things taking longer than she planned. I thanked God for being me to where I was that day and I thank Him for bringing me as far as I am today. So, Monday I will order my cap and gown, register for the graduation ceremony in August and I will walk across the stage hand in hand with my sister as we graduate together. Because each accomplishment should be celebrated no matter how small or how long it took to get there.

Something's Missing

In the modern times that we live in, it's rare to find someone that hasn't been affected by divorce in some shape or form. Many people often think of the husband and wife and wonder "What went wrong?", "Who is to blame?". They also think of how tough it is going to be for the kids involved. If there are any. And as my Great Grandmother would say, "Who is going to make the blueberry delight at Christmas?". Holidays change and Sunday dinners are never the same.

Most people think about the immediate family. But what about the nieces and nephews?

I have been affected by divorce on both sides of my family. Being a little kid and hearing that the person that you have known since birth, that you call Aunt(or Uncle) is no longer in the family, is heartbreaking. To a little kid, it's like that person has died. You don't see them anymore. You tip toe around not saying their name and their pictures disappear. It's like someone that was once a big part of your life has died and you never got to say goodbye.

I have lost 2 Aunts in my lifetime to divorce. But only one stayed in my life. Both have been in my life since birth and both spent time with me. They would paint my finger nails. Giggle at silly jokes. Color with me. Let me play with their jewelry and let me help them get ready. They are the ones that gave me my first best friends, my cousins. Until they had their own children, I was their practice baby. They would strap my booster seat in their cars and we would sing along to Shania Twain or Dixie Chicks on the radio.

My first Aunt has always been somebody that I look up to. She is a picture of strength in many ways. I admire her for her humor, strength, kindness and her ability to juggle 100 things at once. I admire that even after the hard times she has had in her life, she picks back up and keeps going. After her and my Uncle separated, she stayed close to my sister and me. She remarried and moved and even though I didn't see her for a few years, I knew she still loved us. She told us that she would always be our Aunt and would always be there for us and she loved us always. We now make trips to visit and I love having her back in my life. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got her back.

My second Aunt gave me my other set of cousins. She has always been crafty and as a child, I loved to watch her take something simple and make it beautiful. She was goofy and made me giggle as a child. Her youngest sibling was close to my sisters age and she would take us to her birthday parties. She had been in my life since I could remember and then one day she disappeared. One holiday she was there and the next she wasn't. We weren't allowed to speak her name and her pictures disappeared. I knew she still existed. But to me, it felt like she had died. Her and my Uncle moved to a different state before the divorce. So the chances of me running in to her in town are slim to none. For over 10 years now I haven't seen her. I've often wondered if she remembers me. If she thinks I hate her for the divorce and the ugliness that came with it. Does she ever ask my cousins about me or look at the pictures on my Facebook page to see how I've grown and what I've been up to? Has she ever thought about reaching out? Does she still remember that she was once my Aunt too?

Divorce can be messy and ugly and sometimes there are casualties that no one really sees. Sometimes you get to keep your Aunt and gain a new Uncle and cousins when she remarries and sometimes you lose an Aunt and a part of your childhood and you think of her when something big happens in your life or when it's time to open the cranberry sauce and you giggle remembering how she hacked it up one year.

The Power of Words and Thoughts

I usually write some well thought out year end synopsis of my life and I share it before the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. That didn't happen. In the world of Disney, that means that my carriage became a pumpkin, my outer adornment is shred to pieces and I've stumbled into the next day because I've lost my footing. That would be an accurate description of how I felt as the clock struck 12.

Sitting on the couch in my pajamas, I watched the clock as it ticked us into 2016. My heart sank. How could I feel excited over a year of possibilities, when I stumbled into 2016 with nothing to show for 2015? 2015 was great! It was wonderful in ways. God really made His presence known in my life and pulled me closer to Him. So why have I felt like the year isn't over? What I began as a positive, lively woman, ready to take on the world, I ended as a tired and overwhelmed woman with the weight of her world on her shoulders. I started 2015 off with the mindset that this was my year to meet goals that I made for myself. It was the year that my life began. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find the words to write about my year. It wasn't until trying to write this that I know why. How can a person write about accomplishments that they didn't complete? I was angry and ashamed of myself. Everything I started and every goal I had for 2015 is still unfinished. I have a year full of almost. Some things were good and some were bad. I may have stumbled into 2016 with a box almost full of half accomplishments, but by the grace of God, I made it.

I may be in the waiting room of life right now waiting for a diploma, done deals and wisdom to carry me into the next part of my life, but I will have to wait and praise God through it all. While I am waiting/working to meet goals that I've set for myself, other people are waiting on me and that can feel overwhelming at times. I may not have met any of the goals that I set for myself, but I know God isn't finished with me yet and He will carry me through.

I came across a bible verse I copied to a piece of paper some time ago. It read "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6

While trying to find the exact wording for that verse just now, I was redirected to 2 Corinthians and God showed me again that He is always on time.

Every chapter and word that I read filled my soul and re-ignited a fire that had started to burn out. Even though I don't have anything outwardly to show for 2015, I have more stars of wisdom to light my path and shine light on the spiritual stepping stones that God is laying before me.

Last year was a year of preparing, waiting and learning. I pray this year is the year of completion. I may not have met the goals that I set for myself in 2015, but I'm almost there and that is closer than I was before.

22

"I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22!" Even though I planned on singing this song yesterday, I forgot. I'm not sure what 22 is supposed to feel like, but if it's feeling tired, then I feel 22. If I were to sum up my feelings yesterday in emoji's then this would be the story they told; 📚📖📝📊📈🙏🏼😴📢👀⛈🌪⛈🌧😴☀️🌧😃🎁🚗💊🚗📝📚📖🌧🚗🙏🏼📝⌛️✖️✔️➖➕💲✖️✔️💱❓⁉️⏱🙏🏼👎🏼😐😔😢😩😭❓⁉️😔😢👭🌮🎁🎁🎂😃🚗🛍👖👚👗🚗🌽🍞🍲🍰🎁🎁💭😔❓🙍🏻📱📄😢😊🙏🏼👍🏻😊🎁🍰🖥🙏🏼😴☀️🍰📱📄❓⁉️😬😊.

From 12am yesterday to 10:00am this morning, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I waited and waited for my GED Math test accommodations to come through and still nothing. I scheduled the test with out them and prayed that God would continue to pull me through. 12am November 18th and I am still studying the last chapter of my book. Just when I decide to get rest, a tornado warning puts us all on alert. Finally at about 5am I decide to get rest. 7:30 I wake up and go to my behavioral health appointment. There, my doctor tells me how proud of myself that I should be for accomplishing everything that I have in the year since I was put on medication for my ADD. I then study some more and pray for God to continue to lead my steps as I take the test, even without the 30 or so extra minutes my mind needed to process the math problems. And then it began.

Up until the last 30 minutes of the test, I was okay. It took longer to process the problems on the screen and before I knew it, I had six questions left to answer and only 1 minute. I did my best to figure out the answers and that was it. I was out of time. I sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes praying and reflecting. Why did my brain not process information like everybody else? Why did I feel like a failure? Why did I spend those short times talking the last few weeks when I could have gotten that little bit more studying done? Why did I always feel like I was being pulled in so many directions all of the time? While I continued to feel down about myself, and asking why, God waited patiently. Then He gently reminded me.

He created every part of me and He makes no mistakes. My brain is another part of His creation and He wired it differently because He wants me to see and process things differently.

I am not a failure. Failure means giving up and not trying again. I failed my own expectations because I put to much pressure on myself and continually take back what I Keep giving to Him.

Those few moments spent talking when I could have been studying weren't without purpose. I listened to a broken heart, a discouraged soul and tried to show them the very same love that I've been shown. It wasn't time wasted. It was purposeful.

I finally decided to move on with the rest of my day and look for the sun in the dreary weather that surrounded me. 3pm rolled around and the test results were in. 143 in bold red appeared in front of me. I sat there for 5 minutes dreading to tell everyone that I failed. 7 points kept me from moving on to the next step of my life. With a shaky voice and tears, I told everyone that has been cheering me on the news.

Then everything came full circle. Their reactions of love, support and encouragement wrapped around me and reminded me that I am loved and God is in control. This time I was the one in need. My friends and family dropped everything going on in their busy lives to show me they supported me and remind me that even though I may fail, I am still loved.

Last night while still reminding myself that God didn't carry me through the oceans in my life just to let me drowned in shallow water, a friend shared her testimony of a recent near death experience and realizing how much God loves her and that He will carry her through everything that she struggles with and even though she's failed a few times in life, that He always gives her a new start.

I cried. God reminded me yet again that He is always right on time and no time is ever wasted when you show someone His love, because it just might save their life.

I had two tests yesterday. I may have failed my math test, but God's test was more important and His love and encouragement that I feel from Him and those He places in my life, mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for your love and support and for reminding me of my purpose.

Even though I have been challenged in many ways about going to school in Auburn, I won't let the devil change the plans that God has for my life. I plan on taking my test again soon. My accommodations for extra time came through this morning at 10:00am. God is always on time.

Here's to 22 and second chances.

What are you made of?

Everything that we learn, everything that God adds to who we are, just adds another facet to the jewel of our life.

We all face pressures and darkness in life, but it's according to what we're made of as to what we become as a result of those pressures.

Diamonds are formed under extreme conditions. All of that pressure would cause most things to break, but because of what a diamond is made of, all of that pressure becomes a diamond in the rough. Then a skilled artisan smooths out the rough spots and clears away the debris so that the diamond can reflect light.

We are all like that. We can look at the pressures of life as a burden or we can know that while we are under those pressures, that God is creating in us something beautiful, rare and of great value. Each thing that God adds to our lives are like a facet on a diamond. Each one tells a story of something that we have overcome and something that God worked out in us.

God saw that the dust could become strong under pressure. He then saw the beautiful potential that we could become if He worked out the rough spots in us.

We are all diamonds in the rough that has withstood pressure and has overcome many things in this life. Each facet that God creates is a way to reflect the light that He shines upon us. We can use those facets to show others what God has done in us. Where we once were weak, He made us strong. Where we once were rough, He smooths and creates in us something more beautiful than we could ever imagine. We just have to trust in Him that He is working it out. Each one is unique and each one serves a purpose.

Look at the diamond of your life. Whether it be on your left hand, your heart or relationship. It represents something made pure that has overcome pressure and darkness. It represents a stone being handed to a wonderful Creator that can work out the rough spots and create something new and beautiful that reflects the light around it.

I will never see a diamond as just a stone ever again.

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

Philippians 1:6 KJV

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:13 KJV

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

1 Peter 5:10 KJV

“Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16 KJV

The Goal is Jesus

I wanted to share something that was laid on my heart last night.

I'm not sure if anyone in our town knows just exactly how many church buildings actually exist in Atmore. It's about 61 give or take. I have friends that travel all over the United States and said that they have never seen so many church buildings on one street than they have here.

Some may think if you don't follow "their" rules or go to "their" church or read from "their" denominations Bible, that you aren't going to heaven. Are they judging you by your church association or by what's in your heart? When they look at me into the window of my life, do they not see Jesus living in my heart waving back at them?

It's your heart and your fruits. It's not if you belong to a denomination or follow man made rules. Strip that all away, what is left? Is the same goal not Jesus and sharing His love?

With that said, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ.

God put something on my heart to write last night and I felt it needed to be shared.

“And John answered and said, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us. And Jesus said unto him, Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.”

Luke 9:49-50

*The Goal is Jesus*

We're all working, for the same goal,

We all want to get to the same place.

We're all sinners and fall from grace,

Saved by a Son for every sin that could ever be made...-

It shouldn't matter about the clothes we wear,

If the same light shines and it's Jesus's love we share.

We all seek the very same face,

And by the same Son we all are saved.

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

If we all have Jesus in our hearts,

And we all live under the same bright stars.

Shouldn't we all work together to share God's love,

Teaching about The One above.

Brothers and sisters in the same Spirit...-

If we are children of the same kingdom,

And our Heavenly Father can hear us.

We shouldn't define as a denomination,

When the very same goal is Jesus....

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

If when we all say our prayers at night,

In the name of the one that laid down His life.

If God's words are the very same that we read,

Then shouldn't we believe the same thing.

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh,

Oh woah woah woah, oh oh oh.

Road Trip

Have you ever gone on a road trip and needed to use a map or GPS to get you from A to B? Once you know the destination that you are going, you type in the address and trust that the GPS will get you there.

Sometimes you think you know a shortcut or a better route than the one mapped in front of you so you take it. "Illegal U-turn. Re-routing.", that is the sound of a little bit of misdirection guided by our own intelligence or sometimes lack thereof. Your destination becomes a little farther away.

We all have a destination in mind and God knows the best way to get there. If we put our trust fully in Him, we can make it. We sometimes take what we think is a short cut or make a detour, but God is always there to re-route us.

Give your coordinates to God and don't be surprised if He re-routes your course. Share your testimony and warnings of wrong turns and bad short cuts. Help give assistance to those in need along the way and insight to help lost travelers get back on their course. Don't forget to take in the beautiful scenery around you and don't forget to ask for assistance if you too find yourself in need of assistance or a bit lost.

“There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.”

Proverbs 19:21 KJV

Are you charged up?

Right now there is a good chance that you are reading this from your phone or tablet. Look at the percentage of battery left. Do you need to charge your device? Or do you have enough of a charge to get you through the day ahead of you?

It just occurred to me that our relationship with God is like that.

A few years ago when I started driving on my own, I realized that I had left my phone at home. Panic set in and I realized that I was pretty much alone. No phone to connect me to anyone or anything. What would I do if an emergency came up? I wondered if OnStar in the car would work if needed.

What I didn't realize at the time is that I wasn't alone. God was with me as He is always with everyone of us. If an emergency were to happen, I know that God would help direct the steps of all involved.

Tonight I read about being 'plugged in' to God. Of course my mind starts thinking of me being like a phone and Him being the power source. We need His charge to get through the day. I myself find joy and security in seeing my phones battery percentage being at 100%. Sometimes things happen throughout the day that cause me to use more of the stored energy than I had originally planned. When I see I only have 1% left, I know that the battery is almost completely gone and the light is about the go out and my phone will no longer be of use until it can recharge. Aren't we the same?

We are like that smart phone; full of resources and unlimited possibilities. God is our power source. The only source from which we gain strength. If we neglect charging our spirit with Him, then we become drained and our lights can't shine as bright. If we can be disciplined in charging our phones when the battery gets low, then we can be disciplined in charging our spirit just the same.

God is our strength and power source. His word gives us energy and light. We are instruments that He can use every day if we charge our battery up with Him. As long as we hold charge, we are full of resources, connections, unlimited possibilities and light that God can use for good.

If an emergency happened and someone needed your phone's resources to contact help, would it have enough charge for them to get the help they need and possibly save a life? The more charge (God's word) that you have, the more God can use that charge for you to be a light in the darkness and an instrument for good.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” -Philippians 4:13

13 For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe. (1 Thessalonians 2:13 KJV)

“And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.”

John 6:35 KJV

Testify to love

For the past year and a half I have really felt God working in my life. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I listen and sometimes in the quietness of it all, that's when God has put the pieces together and connected it for me. When I looked back on everything that God has brought me through in my lifetime, I cried.

He has brought me through so many things in my life and He has been there through it all even when I sometimes wondered where He was.

Here lately God has called so many precious lives around me home. While going to the funeral services and hearing about the positive impact that that person made on this world and the lives of those around them, it makes you think.

A few weeks ago, God put it in my spirit that something Big was about to happen. Something good. I didn't know what it would be, but I've held onto that promise. This week I have really felt God working in my life more than ever. While on my way home from class last night, singing at the top of my lungs like I normally do, two songs hit me really hard. In that moment I knew that if something were to happen and I were to die that very next minute, I would leave this world happy. I have had a full life filled with wonderful people. I have met some of the most amazing people. I have crossed so many things off of my bucket list. I have accomplished everything that I have ever wanted to do. I feel like I have helped bring people closer to God and tried to shine a light in the darkness that we sometimes find ourselves lost in.

I feel like I have made some kind of difference and loved with all of my heart and I have felt that very same love. I feel like I have led a full life and if God called me home tomorrow, I am ready. I know that Jesus lives in my heart and that God has always been there beside me, guiding me along. And if my whole purpose in this life was to bring one person closer to God, to help one heart be saved and to remind one soul of how much they are loved by someone that will never leave nor forsake them, then I have lived a full life. Every stumble and heartache has been worth it.

I had always questioned when a person was to be baptized. In that moment while singing that song and God showing me everything in my life and what He had brought me through and again wondering if I was ready to be baptized, "It's time." He said. I gave my heart to God a long time ago and have felt him molding me into the person He created me to be, but me being baptized is an outwardly way to show what I already know in my heart. That God sent His only Son to die for my sins and for the sins of every person in this world that has ever been and will ever be. He is The One that created me. Every day for the rest of my life I will live for Him and try to be an instrument He uses and a light in the darkness. I will speak up for His truth and testify to love.

It wasn't just 2 songs that changed my life, it was a lifetime of little and big things and kindness that reminded me of how much God loves me.

With that being said, be a light in the darkness. Listen to that still small voice that is God and be the answer to someone's prayers. Show that small act of kindness to a complete stranger. Be the one that shows the love of God and Jesus here on this earth. After all, it wasn't just 2 songs that changed my life. It was simple acts of kindness and many brave voices that spoke up for God and spoke His truth into my life and answered prayers that they probably didn't even know they were answering at the time.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Do for one, what you wish you could do for millions and don't ever think that what you do goes unnoticed. No matter how big or small the action, YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I love you!

Does what I feel matter?

This past month has been difficult. Well, really this whole year. I have made it through some trying times. I've found out a lot about myself and learned to deal with it. I've grown closer in my relationship with God and become a more self reliant woman. But does what I feel matter?

I haven't been the easiest person to be around at times. I admit it. But I am working on my flaws every day.

The other night a family member asked me what I was talking about. So I began to tell them. Now if you know me, I am a to the point kind of person. I like to condense information down to what's important. So, about halfway through telling this family member what about the troubles of my day that I tried to keep to myself, another family member interrupted and turned the tv volume up to 40 signaling me to shut up. By this point, I was ignored and in tears. I couldn't help but think "Why did you ask, if you didn't care?".

I tend to keep things bottled up inside. With so much other things going on in the lives of those around me, I try to work through my problems on my own. So it is rare for me to open up about what is going on in my mind.

While wallowing in my hurt feelings, the thought crossed my mind, "Is that how God feels? Does He want to tune me out when I am bringing my troubles to Him?". If my earthly family feels that way at times, does my Heavenly Father feel that way too? Just as soon as the question crossed my mind, God reassured me with His love and patience. He reminded me that my troubles are His troubles and what worries and hurts me is important to Him.

I know that we all make mistakes and have bad days. I know that I've had my share. I just pray that we all take time to listen to what each other is really saying and feeling. It might not interest you or you might not even want to waste your time, but to the other person, just knowing that someone is there makes all of the difference. God is always there for us when we need Him and even at times when we think that we are just fine. Sometimes God answers our prayers by speaking to us and sometimes He answers them by nudging someone to listen and be there for someone else. And sometimes He sends a little one year old to smile at you and say "Hug?".

There is a storm coming. Are you preparing?

There is a storm coming. Are you preparing?

When the weather man warns that a storm is coming, everyone prepares.

We rush to the stores frantic to get the supplies needed for our family's survival. We fight the crowds of people and pay ridiculously high prices because really how can you put a price on survival?

The first three things gone before a storm are ; water and bread to help fuel our bodies and fuel for the generators so that we can have light.

We board up our homes to protect it against anything that might be thrown at it. We help others to board up their homes and prepare as well. Then being as prepared as we can be, we wait...

We listen to updates of the storm on the weather radio. We keep an eye on the sky to see if we are almost out of danger and sometimes we sit in silence and pray that we did everything that we could to prepare ourselves for the storm that we are currently in.

Once the storm has lifted, we survey the damage left around us. We start to pick up the pieces of debris scattered everywhere and begin a hard labor of clearing things away that don't need to be in our yards.

Sometimes when the damage seems to be too much, an insurance adjuster surveys the damage done, reminds us of the price of our valuables and writes a check to cover the damages...

While you were reading this did you see what I just saw? Did it connect?

One announcement of an impending storm had the power to move us to run out and prepare for what was about to come. The three things we grab for first are;

WATER- John 4:14

"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."

Bread- John 6:32-35

“Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Moses gave you not that bread from heaven; but my Father giveth you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he which cometh down from heaven, and giveth life unto the world. Then said they unto him, Lord, evermore give us this bread. And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.”

Fuel/light- Psalm 119:105

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."

If you don't continue to fuel the generator that powers your light, then the light begins to grow faint and eventually goes out. We must continue to fuel our generators with God's word and help others to fuel theirs as well.

God is the board of protection around our heart. He knew that there would be sin so He sent His only Son to pay the ultimate price because to God, we are all precious in His sight and more valuable than we could ever know. It won't be easy and there is some heavy labor involved to clear out the debris of storms passed. But it is worth it!

There is a storm coming. Are you preparing?

From one stubborn child to another

Do you remember when you were younger and your parents told you to put something down? Reluctantly, you would put it down and then a few moments later you would forget and pick it back up again. They would again tell their stubborn child to put it back down and not to touch it. Now most often they told us this for our own good and so we wouldn't get hurt. It was for our own protection.

Here lately I see myself as that stubborn child. I give something to God and it's like I forget and just pick it right back up again. Then God gently reminds me and I give it back to Him and put it back down.

I'm tired of picking back up what I'm trusting God with. It's a habit that I need to break. Luckily for us all, God is very patient while we learn. 

When I feel myself getting overwhelmed, it just reminds me that I need to give it to God and not pick it back up.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.~1 Peter 5:7

A Broken Pot

While talking to God about the things that had happened recently in my life, He planted something deep down in my spirit. We all have to be broken pots in order for Him to form us into the beautiful pots that He wants us to be. In my conversation with Him, I asked him why did everything feel so messed up and broken at times? Why don't things ever go as planned? That's when He spoke to me about being a broken pot.

During 'Green Corn'(Mvskoke New Year) everything old is done away with and new is made. I've taken pottery classes before and know how much work and detail can go into each piece. That's why I couldn't imagine breaking all of that beautiful and useful pottery just to make new. 

We are all broken pottery. We have to trust God with all of the broken pieces so he can make us new again. Yeah, we were good and useful before, had a few cracks here and there, but somehow held ourselves together. But a broken pot can't hold water. While in our broken state, we can't hold everything that God is trying to give us and things slip through our hands. We have to have courage and faith for Him to break the old worn out pots that we are and make us new.

"As the clay is in the potters hand to fashion it at his pleasure: so man is in the hand of him that made him, to render to them as liketh him best."-Ecclesiasticus 33:13 

While standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I felt myself getting lightheaded. Thinking it may be my blood sugar, I told myself that I would quickly finish what I was doing any get some sweet tea. That's when God spoke to me and said not to ever be too proud or independent to ask for help. As soon as I asked my sister to bring me something to drink, I couldn't hear anything but the buzzing in my head. My vision blurred and I stared at my sister as she handed me the tea and tried to talk to me. I couldn't hear her.

After a few minutes of sitting on the bathroom floor I felt myself slowly coming around and weakly laughed at myself. I thought, "God, you are trying to break me aren't you? You're trying to make me new and I'm being a stubborn old pot.". He also showed me how I needed to trust His plans for my life more.

Imagine that you have spent a lot of time planning something wonderful, then all of the sudden someone swoops in and thinks that their plans are better and completely squashes any plan and idea you had. That's what God showed me. He has wonderful plans for our lives and knows what is best. But because we can't see what is ahead, we make our our own plans and never even think to ask Him.

"There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand." - Proverbs 19:21

Sometimes we find ourselves broken in silence on the bathroom floor, learning to ask for help and trust God with all of the broken pieces. His plans are greater than mine and His work of art is far more beautiful than anything that I could ever create.

Fruit of the Spirit

The past few days God has shown me that instead of getting upset over stones thrown at me, I should use them to build my relationship with Him.

Currently I am researching what it means to be a Christian. What about me shows that I am a follower of God? God tells us that we are to know each other by our fruits. What fruit is God talking about? The fruit of the Spirit. So I looked it up to see what they were.

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."- Galatians 5:22-23

After reading over that scripture a few times, I knew that I needed to get the definition of each word to get a better understanding of what God means.

This is what I found.

Love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us the definition of love.

"4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."- 1Corinthians 13:4-7

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Joy: Great happiness. Joy is a delight of the mind from the consideration of the present or assured approaching possession of a good.

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Peace: To be, become, or keep silent or quiet. A state of security. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts and emotions.

Peace of God: Peace of which is the gift of God.

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Long-suffering: Suffering for a long time without complaining. Very patient during difficult times.

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Gentleness: The quality or state of being gentle: especially: mildness of manners or disposition.

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Goodness: The quality or state of being good.

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Faith: Strong belief or trust in someone or something. Believing in something you can't see. Complete trust.

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Meekness: Showing a quiet and gentle nature. Enduring injury with patience and without resentment.

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Temperance: The practice of always controlling your actions, thoughts or feelings.

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It really was any eye opener for me. These are the fruit that we are to bear according to His word. I know that I fall short in many ways.

I pray that God helps me work on my fruit this Summer and every day for the rest of my life.

"Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit."

- Matthew 7:16-17

Gather in Jesus' name

Not too long ago I had an older man ask me where I went to church. When I replied that I didn't go to a church building, he frowned at me and said I needed to get into church and get my life right. He then invited me to his church. 

I will admit, that it was disappointing for him to automatically assume that by me not going to a "church building" like he did, that I wasn't living my life right. He didn't know the relationship I have with God or allow me to explain what I meant before he disapproved.

When I was younger I went to a church building every Sunday and in recent years, I have visited a few church buildings. What the man didn't allow me to explain is that the modern definition of church emphasizes the organization, the building, and large group worship. The biblical definition of church is the body of Christ. Wherever two or more, gather in Jesus’ name, that is the church.

God and I have conversations all throughout the day. Most times I talk, but here lately I have been listening. I have conversations about God and His word, with friends, family and sometimes strangers. I take God's word scripture by scripture and try and figure out how to apply it to my life and put it to action. I ask God every day to show me things that I wouldn't normally see and to guide my steps.

For awhile, I worried what people thought of me because I didn't go to a church building. Then I realized that as long as God knows my heart and knows that I meet with Him every day, that is all that matters. Going to a church building is great! But what really counts is us allowing God to be in our everyday lives and us meeting with Him daily. Not us just acknowledging Him on Sunday, Wednesday or Thursday. But us allowing Him to be a part of our daily lives and allowing Him to work through us.

How other people view you isn't as important as how God views you. So many times I have seen people hide who they are and what they do from their parents, family and church family, for fear of letting them down or hurting them. But the most important thing that they forget is that God sees all and His opinion trumps all others. He knows every single breath we take. And most important of all, He knows the intentions of our heart.

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." - Matthew 18:20

And well, I just like talking to everybody! :)