The Waiting is the Hardest Part

For the last few years, I have gone to the doctor numerous times. I've had several blood tests, X-rays, a heart monitor, stress test, EKG, and many other tests ran just to try and find out what is wrong with me. The only actual diagnosis I've received is being diagnosed and now treated for ADHD. Other than that, I have been told that I have vitamin D deficiency and was low on B12 for a short while. Now I could have taken those diagnosis's and went on my merry way accepting that as the explanation as to why I stay so tired no matter how much I sleep, while my skin is yellowish and I look sickly and why my feet go numb and turn purple anytime that I sit down for more than 5 minutes; but I didn't.

Almost two years into treatment of my ADHD and I finally feel somewhat normal. I'm in college and reaching goals that I have set for myself. So when I went for routine blood work two weeks ago, I didn't think nothing of it. I had an X-ray last Friday and was to find out my results the next Friday. I honestly wasn't nervous. I expected the usual, low vitamin D report, but that isn't what happened.

I should have know something was off when I actually made it to the appointment 15 minutes before scheduled. That just isn't like me. I'm always late. I sat in the waiting room for over 40 minutes and then sat in the exam room for nearly an hour. I was tired and had homework to do. I hear feet approaching the door, and whispers outside about me and something about has the doctor read my results yet. The whispered voices disappear down the hall and I become concerned. Anxiety starts to build as I stare at the walls and think of what could be taking so long.

About 10 minutes later, the doctor comes in. She starts going over my results and explaining the results of the X-ray of my spine, and then says that she is referring me to a specialist because my blood test results are showing that I may have Lupus and my diagnosis and treatment is over her head. My mind wouldn't let me process that information. "What is that? Isn't that painful and something that isn't curable?". The doctor leaves the room after instructing me to wait for the referral. I immediately grab my phone and type "What is Lupus?", in the search bar. Everything starts making sense. All of the symptoms that I've been having for years, is right there in black and white in front of me. Then I start reading about how it can affect a child in utero and the possible birth defects. Will my future children have health issues because of me? Should I even have children now?

Tears are trying to push their way through to the surface, but I won't let them.  I group message my sister and best friends for some kind of response, hoping that I was just over reacting internally. Shock and then advice fills my screen. Reminders of not worrying until I have a diagnosis from the specialist, encouragement that people with lupus can live normal lives with treatment. I told my mother only about my X-ray, and waited until I was home to tell her the other.

The whole drive home I would cry off and on. I would sing a little and then find my mind wandering and the tears I had been suppressing, slowly making their way to the surface. As soon as I walk in, my younger cousin runs up and gives me a much needed hug. God must have given him a nudge. My momma was a lot calmer than I expected and my daddy echoed her response with not accepting this until a specialist makes a diagnosis. The time between now and my appointment will feel like forever. I know I may have more tears escape before I find out for sure if that is what is wrong with me, but I will try and remain positive. 

I don't know why God allows things to happen in our lives, except that they are to make us stronger and condition us for the road ahead.

God, I don't know your plan, but I am trusting you completely. Help me to remain positive and take this day by day. Help me use this as something to strengthen my faith and relationship with You and bring people closer to You. In Jesus name, Amen.

More Than Just a Building

To some people, it may just be a building, but to many, it holds memories. Memories of a first job, first trip driving by yourself to the doctor, the place where you first found out you were expecting, being sworn in as a Tribal Council Member, getting to cut the ribbon as a Tribal Princess, meeting to discuss your future with the tribe after graduating college, and to some, maybe last time you saw a member of the community or loved one before they passed away.

This building holds many memories for many people, and even though the building will no longer be a standing landmark, the memories that each of us have made within in its walls, will serve as a reminder of the beginning of our Tribe, and careers, and will last longer than its structure has.

While I am sad to see it go, I smile as I think of how far we have made it as a Tribe, that we are fortunate enough to be able at goodbye to a piece of our past, as we plan to rebuild something lasting for our future.

Accomplishments Celebrated

When does accomplishing something huge in your life really sink in? It's been 1 month today since I received my GED, my mind still hasn't grasped that yet. I still find myself thinking that I need to be studying and then realize that my diploma is sitting on the fireplace. I was happy that I accomplished that mountain in my life, but then I think why should I be celebrating something that I should have done 4 years ago? My family wants to celebrate, but I just want to move on to the next step in my life. It had felt like an embarrassment because it was something that I should've had a long time ago. Yesterday I received my acceptance letter for college in the mail and realized that was something I thought would never happen a month and a few days ago. See, parallel to the page I wrote this on is a journal entry from a girl that didn't feel like her everyday life reflected the plans God has for her. She prayed for peace in her heart about things taking longer than she planned. I thanked God for being me to where I was that day and I thank Him for bringing me as far as I am today. So, Monday I will order my cap and gown, register for the graduation ceremony in August and I will walk across the stage hand in hand with my sister as we graduate together. Because each accomplishment should be celebrated no matter how small or how long it took to get there.

Something's Missing

In the modern times that we live in, it's rare to find someone that hasn't been affected by divorce in some shape or form. Many people often think of the husband and wife and wonder "What went wrong?", "Who is to blame?". They also think of how tough it is going to be for the kids involved. If there are any. And as my Great Grandmother would say, "Who is going to make the blueberry delight at Christmas?". Holidays change and Sunday dinners are never the same.

Most people think about the immediate family. But what about the nieces and nephews?

I have been affected by divorce on both sides of my family. Being a little kid and hearing that the person that you have known since birth, that you call Aunt(or Uncle) is no longer in the family, is heartbreaking. To a little kid, it's like that person has died. You don't see them anymore. You tip toe around not saying their name and their pictures disappear. It's like someone that was once a big part of your life has died and you never got to say goodbye.

I have lost 2 Aunts in my lifetime to divorce. But only one stayed in my life. Both have been in my life since birth and both spent time with me. They would paint my finger nails. Giggle at silly jokes. Color with me. Let me play with their jewelry and let me help them get ready. They are the ones that gave me my first best friends, my cousins. Until they had their own children, I was their practice baby. They would strap my booster seat in their cars and we would sing along to Shania Twain or Dixie Chicks on the radio.

My first Aunt has always been somebody that I look up to. She is a picture of strength in many ways. I admire her for her humor, strength, kindness and her ability to juggle 100 things at once. I admire that even after the hard times she has had in her life, she picks back up and keeps going. After her and my Uncle separated, she stayed close to my sister and me. She remarried and moved and even though I didn't see her for a few years, I knew she still loved us. She told us that she would always be our Aunt and would always be there for us and she loved us always. We now make trips to visit and I love having her back in my life. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got her back.

My second Aunt gave me my other set of cousins. She has always been crafty and as a child, I loved to watch her take something simple and make it beautiful. She was goofy and made me giggle as a child. Her youngest sibling was close to my sisters age and she would take us to her birthday parties. She had been in my life since I could remember and then one day she disappeared. One holiday she was there and the next she wasn't. We weren't allowed to speak her name and her pictures disappeared. I knew she still existed. But to me, it felt like she had died. Her and my Uncle moved to a different state before the divorce. So the chances of me running in to her in town are slim to none. For over 10 years now I haven't seen her. I've often wondered if she remembers me. If she thinks I hate her for the divorce and the ugliness that came with it. Does she ever ask my cousins about me or look at the pictures on my Facebook page to see how I've grown and what I've been up to? Has she ever thought about reaching out? Does she still remember that she was once my Aunt too?

Divorce can be messy and ugly and sometimes there are casualties that no one really sees. Sometimes you get to keep your Aunt and gain a new Uncle and cousins when she remarries and sometimes you lose an Aunt and a part of your childhood and you think of her when something big happens in your life or when it's time to open the cranberry sauce and you giggle remembering how she hacked it up one year.

The Power of Words and Thoughts

I usually write some well thought out year end synopsis of my life and I share it before the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. That didn't happen. In the world of Disney, that means that my carriage became a pumpkin, my outer adornment is shred to pieces and I've stumbled into the next day because I've lost my footing. That would be an accurate description of how I felt as the clock struck 12.

Sitting on the couch in my pajamas, I watched the clock as it ticked us into 2016. My heart sank. How could I feel excited over a year of possibilities, when I stumbled into 2016 with nothing to show for 2015? 2015 was great! It was wonderful in ways. God really made His presence known in my life and pulled me closer to Him. So why have I felt like the year isn't over? What I began as a positive, lively woman, ready to take on the world, I ended as a tired and overwhelmed woman with the weight of her world on her shoulders. I started 2015 off with the mindset that this was my year to meet goals that I made for myself. It was the year that my life began. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find the words to write about my year. It wasn't until trying to write this that I know why. How can a person write about accomplishments that they didn't complete? I was angry and ashamed of myself. Everything I started and every goal I had for 2015 is still unfinished. I have a year full of almost. Some things were good and some were bad. I may have stumbled into 2016 with a box almost full of half accomplishments, but by the grace of God, I made it.

I may be in the waiting room of life right now waiting for a diploma, done deals and wisdom to carry me into the next part of my life, but I will have to wait and praise God through it all. While I am waiting/working to meet goals that I've set for myself, other people are waiting on me and that can feel overwhelming at times. I may not have met any of the goals that I set for myself, but I know God isn't finished with me yet and He will carry me through.

I came across a bible verse I copied to a piece of paper some time ago. It read "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6

While trying to find the exact wording for that verse just now, I was redirected to 2 Corinthians and God showed me again that He is always on time.

Every chapter and word that I read filled my soul and re-ignited a fire that had started to burn out. Even though I don't have anything outwardly to show for 2015, I have more stars of wisdom to light my path and shine light on the spiritual stepping stones that God is laying before me.

Last year was a year of preparing, waiting and learning. I pray this year is the year of completion. I may not have met the goals that I set for myself in 2015, but I'm almost there and that is closer than I was before.

22

"I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22!" Even though I planned on singing this song yesterday, I forgot. I'm not sure what 22 is supposed to feel like, but if it's feeling tired, then I feel 22. If I were to sum up my feelings yesterday in emoji's then this would be the story they told; 📚📖📝📊📈🙏🏼😴📢👀⛈🌪⛈🌧😴☀️🌧😃🎁🚗💊🚗📝📚📖🌧🚗🙏🏼📝⌛️✖️✔️➖➕💲✖️✔️💱❓⁉️⏱🙏🏼👎🏼😐😔😢😩😭❓⁉️😔😢👭🌮🎁🎁🎂😃🚗🛍👖👚👗🚗🌽🍞🍲🍰🎁🎁💭😔❓🙍🏻📱📄😢😊🙏🏼👍🏻😊🎁🍰🖥🙏🏼😴☀️🍰📱📄❓⁉️😬😊.

From 12am yesterday to 10:00am this morning, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I waited and waited for my GED Math test accommodations to come through and still nothing. I scheduled the test with out them and prayed that God would continue to pull me through. 12am November 18th and I am still studying the last chapter of my book. Just when I decide to get rest, a tornado warning puts us all on alert. Finally at about 5am I decide to get rest. 7:30 I wake up and go to my behavioral health appointment. There, my doctor tells me how proud of myself that I should be for accomplishing everything that I have in the year since I was put on medication for my ADD. I then study some more and pray for God to continue to lead my steps as I take the test, even without the 30 or so extra minutes my mind needed to process the math problems. And then it began.

Up until the last 30 minutes of the test, I was okay. It took longer to process the problems on the screen and before I knew it, I had six questions left to answer and only 1 minute. I did my best to figure out the answers and that was it. I was out of time. I sat in the parking lot for 30 minutes praying and reflecting. Why did my brain not process information like everybody else? Why did I feel like a failure? Why did I spend those short times talking the last few weeks when I could have gotten that little bit more studying done? Why did I always feel like I was being pulled in so many directions all of the time? While I continued to feel down about myself, and asking why, God waited patiently. Then He gently reminded me.

He created every part of me and He makes no mistakes. My brain is another part of His creation and He wired it differently because He wants me to see and process things differently.

I am not a failure. Failure means giving up and not trying again. I failed my own expectations because I put to much pressure on myself and continually take back what I Keep giving to Him.

Those few moments spent talking when I could have been studying weren't without purpose. I listened to a broken heart, a discouraged soul and tried to show them the very same love that I've been shown. It wasn't time wasted. It was purposeful.

I finally decided to move on with the rest of my day and look for the sun in the dreary weather that surrounded me. 3pm rolled around and the test results were in. 143 in bold red appeared in front of me. I sat there for 5 minutes dreading to tell everyone that I failed. 7 points kept me from moving on to the next step of my life. With a shaky voice and tears, I told everyone that has been cheering me on the news.

Then everything came full circle. Their reactions of love, support and encouragement wrapped around me and reminded me that I am loved and God is in control. This time I was the one in need. My friends and family dropped everything going on in their busy lives to show me they supported me and remind me that even though I may fail, I am still loved.

Last night while still reminding myself that God didn't carry me through the oceans in my life just to let me drowned in shallow water, a friend shared her testimony of a recent near death experience and realizing how much God loves her and that He will carry her through everything that she struggles with and even though she's failed a few times in life, that He always gives her a new start.

I cried. God reminded me yet again that He is always right on time and no time is ever wasted when you show someone His love, because it just might save their life.

I had two tests yesterday. I may have failed my math test, but God's test was more important and His love and encouragement that I feel from Him and those He places in my life, mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for your love and support and for reminding me of my purpose.

Even though I have been challenged in many ways about going to school in Auburn, I won't let the devil change the plans that God has for my life. I plan on taking my test again soon. My accommodations for extra time came through this morning at 10:00am. God is always on time.

Here's to 22 and second chances.

What are you made of?

Everything that we learn, everything that God adds to who we are, just adds another facet to the jewel of our life.

We all face pressures and darkness in life, but it's according to what we're made of as to what we become as a result of those pressures.

Diamonds are formed under extreme conditions. All of that pressure would cause most things to break, but because of what a diamond is made of, all of that pressure becomes a diamond in the rough. Then a skilled artisan smooths out the rough spots and clears away the debris so that the diamond can reflect light.

We are all like that. We can look at the pressures of life as a burden or we can know that while we are under those pressures, that God is creating in us something beautiful, rare and of great value. Each thing that God adds to our lives are like a facet on a diamond. Each one tells a story of something that we have overcome and something that God worked out in us.

God saw that the dust could become strong under pressure. He then saw the beautiful potential that we could become if He worked out the rough spots in us.

We are all diamonds in the rough that has withstood pressure and has overcome many things in this life. Each facet that God creates is a way to reflect the light that He shines upon us. We can use those facets to show others what God has done in us. Where we once were weak, He made us strong. Where we once were rough, He smooths and creates in us something more beautiful than we could ever imagine. We just have to trust in Him that He is working it out. Each one is unique and each one serves a purpose.

Look at the diamond of your life. Whether it be on your left hand, your heart or relationship. It represents something made pure that has overcome pressure and darkness. It represents a stone being handed to a wonderful Creator that can work out the rough spots and create something new and beautiful that reflects the light around it.

I will never see a diamond as just a stone ever again.

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

Philippians 1:6 KJV

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:13 KJV

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

1 Peter 5:10 KJV

“Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16 KJV