For the last few years, I have gone to the doctor numerous times. I've had several blood tests, X-rays, a heart monitor, stress test, EKG, and many other tests ran just to try and find out what is wrong with me. The only actual diagnosis I've received is being diagnosed and now treated for ADHD. Other than that, I have been told that I have vitamin D deficiency and was low on B12 for a short while. Now I could have taken those diagnosis's and went on my merry way accepting that as the explanation as to why I stay so tired no matter how much I sleep, while my skin is yellowish and I look sickly and why my feet go numb and turn purple anytime that I sit down for more than 5 minutes; but I didn't.
Almost two years into treatment of my ADHD and I finally feel somewhat normal. I'm in college and reaching goals that I have set for myself. So when I went for routine blood work two weeks ago, I didn't think nothing of it. I had an X-ray last Friday and was to find out my results the next Friday. I honestly wasn't nervous. I expected the usual, low vitamin D report, but that isn't what happened.
I should have know something was off when I actually made it to the appointment 15 minutes before scheduled. That just isn't like me. I'm always late. I sat in the waiting room for over 40 minutes and then sat in the exam room for nearly an hour. I was tired and had homework to do. I hear feet approaching the door, and whispers outside about me and something about has the doctor read my results yet. The whispered voices disappear down the hall and I become concerned. Anxiety starts to build as I stare at the walls and think of what could be taking so long.
About 10 minutes later, the doctor comes in. She starts going over my results and explaining the results of the X-ray of my spine, and then says that she is referring me to a specialist because my blood test results are showing that I may have Lupus and my diagnosis and treatment is over her head. My mind wouldn't let me process that information. "What is that? Isn't that painful and something that isn't curable?". The doctor leaves the room after instructing me to wait for the referral. I immediately grab my phone and type "What is Lupus?", in the search bar. Everything starts making sense. All of the symptoms that I've been having for years, is right there in black and white in front of me. Then I start reading about how it can affect a child in utero and the possible birth defects. Will my future children have health issues because of me? Should I even have children now?
Tears are trying to push their way through to the surface, but I won't let them. I group message my sister and best friends for some kind of response, hoping that I was just over reacting internally. Shock and then advice fills my screen. Reminders of not worrying until I have a diagnosis from the specialist, encouragement that people with lupus can live normal lives with treatment. I told my mother only about my X-ray, and waited until I was home to tell her the other.
The whole drive home I would cry off and on. I would sing a little and then find my mind wandering and the tears I had been suppressing, slowly making their way to the surface. As soon as I walk in, my younger cousin runs up and gives me a much needed hug. God must have given him a nudge. My momma was a lot calmer than I expected and my daddy echoed her response with not accepting this until a specialist makes a diagnosis. The time between now and my appointment will feel like forever. I know I may have more tears escape before I find out for sure if that is what is wrong with me, but I will try and remain positive.
I don't know why God allows things to happen in our lives, except that they are to make us stronger and condition us for the road ahead.
God, I don't know your plan, but I am trusting you completely. Help me to remain positive and take this day by day. Help me use this as something to strengthen my faith and relationship with You and bring people closer to You. In Jesus name, Amen.
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