I think it's starting to sink in. I could pretend it wasn't real, and put on a brave face anytime someone talked about it, but with each step it gets more real. This is my life now.
When I found out the possibility of me having Lupus, I was in shock and cried on the way home while I sang "Shallow Water" by Randy Travis. I needed to remember that God hadn't carried me through oceans in my life, just to let me drowned in a puddle. The next real moment was when I received the diagnosis from the specialist. Tears started to form as I felt a grab in my throat, but I stopped it. I couldn't cry, because I needed to be strong and reassure everyone that I would be okay. Then I picked my medicine up yesterday and took it for the first time today. That's when it got real. I can't ignore this and pretend it isn't there.
While riding in the car with my sister, I had my eyes closed listening to a song, and my thoughts drifted. I felt like my subconscious has slapped me. I remembered the horrible side effects from the medicine that I had read up on the night before. "What did you just put in your body?!" My mind screamed. I know I need to take the medicine to stop the damage Lupus can cause, but at what cost? I could lose too much weight, lose the color of my hair, lose my hair. The medicine could cause me to be more susceptible to get sickness now. I will have to worry about being around someone sick, getting sick, infection. The horror stories I've read about people with lupus ending up in the hospital with kidney infection, having to go on dialysis, and my journey has just begun. Yet I couldn't kick that sobering thought of what had I just put in my body when I took my first dose of the medication.
I've tried to remain positive since first finding out. Last night I talked to my sister and she said she had really cried about my diagnosis. That's when it hit me that I haven't really cried about it and when I have it wasn't crying for me. It was crying for my future children, and if they will have to go through this because of me. I cried because of the stress it can put on my family from worrying about everything I do and feel. I cried for everyone that battles this disease and any sickness in this world. But yet I can't cry for me, and that's who it's happening to. I know I need to and maybe it will happen eventually, but I still don't know how I feel about it. Maybe that's because I won't let myself think about it. Maybe it's denial. I think it's God.
Any time that I start to get emotional, I'm reminded it's for a reason. I remember a kind soul that I met only once, and her bravery, kindness, and willingness to share her story, has stayed with me. I followed her fight with cancer and read each story she shared about the roller coaster of emotions and daily happenings that she went through. I went to her going home services and cried at the evidence of the love and light she left behind. Her life was beautiful and can still be felt today. Because of her simply sharing her story, the good and the bad, it made an impact on me. I started thinking that if she could share her story about the things she went through and it made an impact on my life, then I could share the things I go through and maybe it can do the same for someone.
I still have yet to really cry about being diagnosed with Lupus, and the only thing I can think of to explain why is it's God. I told myself that this was my year, that God was going to do something big in my life this year and it was going to be good. I still believe that. God has slowly been giving me a platform and a voice to speak up about and for things that matter, now He has giving me something else to speak up for. I truly believe that God allows things to happen in our life for the greater good, even if we don't think so at the time. I am going to use the voice God gave me, to speak up for the invisible, the things we cannot see, but feel, and the things that it's hard to find the words for. Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. I know God is there in the unknown. God has given us all a story. It's just up to us to use the voice He gave us to share that story.
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