Something's Missing

In the modern times that we live in, it's rare to find someone that hasn't been affected by divorce in some shape or form. Many people often think of the husband and wife and wonder "What went wrong?", "Who is to blame?". They also think of how tough it is going to be for the kids involved. If there are any. And as my Great Grandmother would say, "Who is going to make the blueberry delight at Christmas?". Holidays change and Sunday dinners are never the same.

Most people think about the immediate family. But what about the nieces and nephews?

I have been affected by divorce on both sides of my family. Being a little kid and hearing that the person that you have known since birth, that you call Aunt(or Uncle) is no longer in the family, is heartbreaking. To a little kid, it's like that person has died. You don't see them anymore. You tip toe around not saying their name and their pictures disappear. It's like someone that was once a big part of your life has died and you never got to say goodbye.

I have lost 2 Aunts in my lifetime to divorce. But only one stayed in my life. Both have been in my life since birth and both spent time with me. They would paint my finger nails. Giggle at silly jokes. Color with me. Let me play with their jewelry and let me help them get ready. They are the ones that gave me my first best friends, my cousins. Until they had their own children, I was their practice baby. They would strap my booster seat in their cars and we would sing along to Shania Twain or Dixie Chicks on the radio.

My first Aunt has always been somebody that I look up to. She is a picture of strength in many ways. I admire her for her humor, strength, kindness and her ability to juggle 100 things at once. I admire that even after the hard times she has had in her life, she picks back up and keeps going. After her and my Uncle separated, she stayed close to my sister and me. She remarried and moved and even though I didn't see her for a few years, I knew she still loved us. She told us that she would always be our Aunt and would always be there for us and she loved us always. We now make trips to visit and I love having her back in my life. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I finally got her back.

My second Aunt gave me my other set of cousins. She has always been crafty and as a child, I loved to watch her take something simple and make it beautiful. She was goofy and made me giggle as a child. Her youngest sibling was close to my sisters age and she would take us to her birthday parties. She had been in my life since I could remember and then one day she disappeared. One holiday she was there and the next she wasn't. We weren't allowed to speak her name and her pictures disappeared. I knew she still existed. But to me, it felt like she had died. Her and my Uncle moved to a different state before the divorce. So the chances of me running in to her in town are slim to none. For over 10 years now I haven't seen her. I've often wondered if she remembers me. If she thinks I hate her for the divorce and the ugliness that came with it. Does she ever ask my cousins about me or look at the pictures on my Facebook page to see how I've grown and what I've been up to? Has she ever thought about reaching out? Does she still remember that she was once my Aunt too?

Divorce can be messy and ugly and sometimes there are casualties that no one really sees. Sometimes you get to keep your Aunt and gain a new Uncle and cousins when she remarries and sometimes you lose an Aunt and a part of your childhood and you think of her when something big happens in your life or when it's time to open the cranberry sauce and you giggle remembering how she hacked it up one year.

The Power of Words and Thoughts

I usually write some well thought out year end synopsis of my life and I share it before the clock strikes 12 on New Year's Eve. That didn't happen. In the world of Disney, that means that my carriage became a pumpkin, my outer adornment is shred to pieces and I've stumbled into the next day because I've lost my footing. That would be an accurate description of how I felt as the clock struck 12.

Sitting on the couch in my pajamas, I watched the clock as it ticked us into 2016. My heart sank. How could I feel excited over a year of possibilities, when I stumbled into 2016 with nothing to show for 2015? 2015 was great! It was wonderful in ways. God really made His presence known in my life and pulled me closer to Him. So why have I felt like the year isn't over? What I began as a positive, lively woman, ready to take on the world, I ended as a tired and overwhelmed woman with the weight of her world on her shoulders. I started 2015 off with the mindset that this was my year to meet goals that I made for myself. It was the year that my life began. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find the words to write about my year. It wasn't until trying to write this that I know why. How can a person write about accomplishments that they didn't complete? I was angry and ashamed of myself. Everything I started and every goal I had for 2015 is still unfinished. I have a year full of almost. Some things were good and some were bad. I may have stumbled into 2016 with a box almost full of half accomplishments, but by the grace of God, I made it.

I may be in the waiting room of life right now waiting for a diploma, done deals and wisdom to carry me into the next part of my life, but I will have to wait and praise God through it all. While I am waiting/working to meet goals that I've set for myself, other people are waiting on me and that can feel overwhelming at times. I may not have met any of the goals that I set for myself, but I know God isn't finished with me yet and He will carry me through.

I came across a bible verse I copied to a piece of paper some time ago. It read "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6

While trying to find the exact wording for that verse just now, I was redirected to 2 Corinthians and God showed me again that He is always on time.

Every chapter and word that I read filled my soul and re-ignited a fire that had started to burn out. Even though I don't have anything outwardly to show for 2015, I have more stars of wisdom to light my path and shine light on the spiritual stepping stones that God is laying before me.

Last year was a year of preparing, waiting and learning. I pray this year is the year of completion. I may not have met the goals that I set for myself in 2015, but I'm almost there and that is closer than I was before.