Number 10 on my bucket list is 'Make Amends'. I put it on there because I know how import it is to make amends with your past. It is very important to forgive. It's easy to hold on to things from the past, and at times you feel like you have a good reason for holding on to it. Maybe that person hurt you, or maybe you're holding on to bad memories.
I have always been taught that you have to forgive others and give it to God. When you forgive and let it go, you are allowing God to work in that persons life and clean them up.
So why is it so hard to forgive your self? Don't you deserve to be free of the past, the hurt, the reminders? Don't you think that you should allow God to close those doors in your life and open the doors to new possibilities, new life? The person that you should forgive the most is yourself.
So you made mistakes. But didn't you learn from them, learn what not to do the next time. God allows things to happen in our life. He gave us all free will. When we make mistakes, God is right there to help pick us back up again. But all too often, we miss the lesson and we end up making the same mistakes again.
I have started looking back at things in my past and my life and asking "Now God, what were you trying to show me? What was I supposed to be learning?".
God can use our mistakes to teach us lessons. It may hurt looking back. And it may break us down. But God will use those mistake and lessons and build you up into the person you were meant to be. God can use those mistakes you made and your past to help others. It is your testimony. Own it!
The person most people forget to forgive is their self. Forgive yourself for the things you did and the past you can't change. Be free.
You deserve Forgiveness.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
On the bright side of life
Often times when things happen in life, it can't help but break your heart. Why does bad things happen to such wonderful God fearing people? Why must people go through terrible things in life?
But I've learned that the story isn't in the pain,
The story is in how the person lives through the pain and enjoys all life has to offer while going through such a trying time.
That is how we are supposed to live. We are supposed to look on the bright side of life and never let things keep us down for long. We are to live in such a way that we inspire people.
I have truly been inspired by people in my lifetime. I have been inspired by their strength and their faith that God is in control.
Don't take for granted each moment in life. Make the most of the time you have with your loved ones.
But I've learned that the story isn't in the pain,
The story is in how the person lives through the pain and enjoys all life has to offer while going through such a trying time.
That is how we are supposed to live. We are supposed to look on the bright side of life and never let things keep us down for long. We are to live in such a way that we inspire people.
I have truly been inspired by people in my lifetime. I have been inspired by their strength and their faith that God is in control.
Don't take for granted each moment in life. Make the most of the time you have with your loved ones.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
You’re Better Than a Good Day
As many of you know from reading my past entries, I am making amends with my past. It has been a long process and it wouldn't be complete without what I'm about say.
I'm not going to type your name and let the world know who you are. But I have a feeling that you are reading this and now is my opportunity to apologize to you.
You have been in my life for the longest time, but we have only been friends for a few years(thanks MySpace). You came into my life when I needed a friend the most. You were honestly the best example of a friend that I've ever had. We would talk everyday and laugh about the dumbest stuff. It's that humor that helped me through a rough time. You may not know this, but you helped me realize that I was hurting myself by the way I was exercising and eating. You snapped me out of my downward spiral. And I never even got to say thank you. I guess part of the reason was that I was embarrassed by the sickness. But you stood by me like you always did. When I think of what it means to be a friend, I think of the night I had my first heart break. You knew how much I was hurt and that I didn't want to talk about it. You promised to kick his butt and egg his house. You talked to me for hours and made me laugh until you knew I would be okay. You reminded me that I would be okay. We talked every day and I loved our friendship. It meant so much to know that you were there for me. But as I found out all to late, you had feelings for me. Me being the oblivious teenage girl I was(and still am), would talk to you about the guys I liked. You would say that they weren't good enough and tell me I deserved better. Now I see the truth in your words. You became so constant in my life. When something new and exciting happened, you were the first person I wanted to tell. There were many jokes between us. It wasn't until four years into our friendship that I realized that you had feelings for me. You always complained that I put you in the "friend zone". For months, I planned this huge surprise for your birthday. I wanted to make you feel as special and appreciated as you had me feel. I even put a secret message in your birthday card(look at the uppercase letters). But I was too late. I liked you, but now all I got was the cold shoulder. If we're being honest, our timing sucks! I cried for the longest time wondering what I did wrong. Why wouldn't you talk to me? Did you hate me? And the truth is that I will probably never know. But I'm okay with that. I've written many songs about you, some in which I shared with you. Like so many times throughout our friendship, we go through spells when we're friends and times that we don't even speak. You tried to reach out to me not that long ago but I kept you at a distance. I know you wonder why I deleted you from my life, and the truth is that I couldn't keep going in the same circle that we always do. I deserve better and you deserve better. I deleted you because seeing your posts on a daily basis made me miss you. I had to be the strong one and cut ties. As much as I tried, I couldn't feel the same way about you that you felt about me. And you deserve a whole heck of a lot better than that. You deserve better and I deserve better. You will always be in my heart, and I will always care for you. And if you needed me, I would be there for you. I feel like you would say the same. I pray that you find someone that truly makes you happy and loves you the way that you love them.
When I heard this song, I couldn't help but be frozen in my tracks. It was everything I wanted to say and felt, but couldn't find the words. I hope one day that you forgive me.
You deserve the best. I pray that you find it.
http://youtu.be/r4-Jb4AeVa0
I'm not going to type your name and let the world know who you are. But I have a feeling that you are reading this and now is my opportunity to apologize to you.
You have been in my life for the longest time, but we have only been friends for a few years(thanks MySpace). You came into my life when I needed a friend the most. You were honestly the best example of a friend that I've ever had. We would talk everyday and laugh about the dumbest stuff. It's that humor that helped me through a rough time. You may not know this, but you helped me realize that I was hurting myself by the way I was exercising and eating. You snapped me out of my downward spiral. And I never even got to say thank you. I guess part of the reason was that I was embarrassed by the sickness. But you stood by me like you always did. When I think of what it means to be a friend, I think of the night I had my first heart break. You knew how much I was hurt and that I didn't want to talk about it. You promised to kick his butt and egg his house. You talked to me for hours and made me laugh until you knew I would be okay. You reminded me that I would be okay. We talked every day and I loved our friendship. It meant so much to know that you were there for me. But as I found out all to late, you had feelings for me. Me being the oblivious teenage girl I was(and still am), would talk to you about the guys I liked. You would say that they weren't good enough and tell me I deserved better. Now I see the truth in your words. You became so constant in my life. When something new and exciting happened, you were the first person I wanted to tell. There were many jokes between us. It wasn't until four years into our friendship that I realized that you had feelings for me. You always complained that I put you in the "friend zone". For months, I planned this huge surprise for your birthday. I wanted to make you feel as special and appreciated as you had me feel. I even put a secret message in your birthday card(look at the uppercase letters). But I was too late. I liked you, but now all I got was the cold shoulder. If we're being honest, our timing sucks! I cried for the longest time wondering what I did wrong. Why wouldn't you talk to me? Did you hate me? And the truth is that I will probably never know. But I'm okay with that. I've written many songs about you, some in which I shared with you. Like so many times throughout our friendship, we go through spells when we're friends and times that we don't even speak. You tried to reach out to me not that long ago but I kept you at a distance. I know you wonder why I deleted you from my life, and the truth is that I couldn't keep going in the same circle that we always do. I deserve better and you deserve better. I deleted you because seeing your posts on a daily basis made me miss you. I had to be the strong one and cut ties. As much as I tried, I couldn't feel the same way about you that you felt about me. And you deserve a whole heck of a lot better than that. You deserve better and I deserve better. You will always be in my heart, and I will always care for you. And if you needed me, I would be there for you. I feel like you would say the same. I pray that you find someone that truly makes you happy and loves you the way that you love them.
When I heard this song, I couldn't help but be frozen in my tracks. It was everything I wanted to say and felt, but couldn't find the words. I hope one day that you forgive me.
You deserve the best. I pray that you find it.
http://youtu.be/r4-Jb4AeVa0
Friday, July 18, 2014
Accept who you are
At this point in my life I am learning acceptance. Acceptance of my past, things I can't change, who I am and who I am becoming. It's the easiest and hardest thing that I've ever done.
Last night I couldn't go to sleep. I laid in the bed talking to God about everything in my heart.
We talked about all of my past relationships and how I see how everything played out now that I'm older.
We agreed on the lessons behind those relationships and the reasons for the actions of each person in the relationship at the time. I made peace with the reasons and let go of the hurt.
I apologized to the girl I used to be. I apologized for not guarding her heart better. For not standing up for her. I accepted the burden and truth of those that I've been rude to and hurt. I accepted that I've tried to control most of my life and apologized to God for not trusting Him with my life sooner. I accepted everything in my past and the roads that I've taken.
And then I let it go.
I accepted everything about my past and who I was and then I let it go and gave it to God.
If there was ever a time in my life that I could look back on and realize that I was changing, it would be now. The past two months, God has really been working on me and it's the first time that I actually feel like an adult. Up until this point, I've always felt like a child in a giants body. But now that's changed.
Last night I couldn't go to sleep. I laid in the bed talking to God about everything in my heart.
We talked about all of my past relationships and how I see how everything played out now that I'm older.
We agreed on the lessons behind those relationships and the reasons for the actions of each person in the relationship at the time. I made peace with the reasons and let go of the hurt.
I apologized to the girl I used to be. I apologized for not guarding her heart better. For not standing up for her. I accepted the burden and truth of those that I've been rude to and hurt. I accepted that I've tried to control most of my life and apologized to God for not trusting Him with my life sooner. I accepted everything in my past and the roads that I've taken.
And then I let it go.
I accepted everything about my past and who I was and then I let it go and gave it to God.
If there was ever a time in my life that I could look back on and realize that I was changing, it would be now. The past two months, God has really been working on me and it's the first time that I actually feel like an adult. Up until this point, I've always felt like a child in a giants body. But now that's changed.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Taking Back the Songs
At least everyone has a song that they can't listen to anymore because it reminds them of a past relationship. Unfortunately for me, I have many songs that remind me the past. Don't get me wrong, I love the songs, but I often find myself taken by surprise when they come on the radio, so I immediately change the station. Then I drive for awhile while thoughts of the past consume me. And I'm tired of it. So I'm taking back the songs. I have recently decided I'm tired of not listening to songs anymore because they bring back painful memories. I'm taking them back.
The first song I took back was "The Good Stuff" by Kenny Chesney. The song reminds me of the first boy to break my heart. After walking around a baseball park and talking about life for a good hour, we walked to his car, he opened the door and I got in. He scanned the radio passing all of the songs I loved and stopped on "The Good Stuff". He then started to sing the song to me. When I got home, I was on cloud nine. But then as teenage love goes, he faded away. He was the first boy to break my heart and I still find it difficult to listen to the song. But now when the song comes on I remember the relationship for what it was, a learning experience. And sometimes I actually sing along. The first time i sang along to it was at a Kenny Chesney concert. If you think a song bothers you when it's on the radio, just wait until you hear it live! I cried and wiped tears as I sang along. But I made it through. I survived. I took the song back.
I tend to associate people and moments with songs way to often in my life. I am slowly taking them back. And it feels great.
The first song I took back was "The Good Stuff" by Kenny Chesney. The song reminds me of the first boy to break my heart. After walking around a baseball park and talking about life for a good hour, we walked to his car, he opened the door and I got in. He scanned the radio passing all of the songs I loved and stopped on "The Good Stuff". He then started to sing the song to me. When I got home, I was on cloud nine. But then as teenage love goes, he faded away. He was the first boy to break my heart and I still find it difficult to listen to the song. But now when the song comes on I remember the relationship for what it was, a learning experience. And sometimes I actually sing along. The first time i sang along to it was at a Kenny Chesney concert. If you think a song bothers you when it's on the radio, just wait until you hear it live! I cried and wiped tears as I sang along. But I made it through. I survived. I took the song back.
I tend to associate people and moments with songs way to often in my life. I am slowly taking them back. And it feels great.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Trust with all your heart
In today's society and standards, most would say that I have an unrealistic expectation of love. I have had people tell me that I probably won't find someone that doesn't have kids, who's never been married, and who loves God. And I agree. I probably will never find someone like that. And the reason for that being that I'm not looking. I gave my whole heart to God a long time ago and I trust Him with it. I trust that He knows me best and He will find someone for me. Not I, but Him. And it is truly comforting. God knows the perfect person for me and He knows the moment we will recognize that we have finally found each other. I trust in God that that will happen. I have faith.
On the subject of my idea of love being unrealistic, I have to disagree. God tells us of the love He wants us to have. He put it in scripture (1 Corinthians 13:4–8).
I believe that love will find you when you least expect it. I have faith in God and I trust His choosing. You just have to be patient.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
On the subject of my idea of love being unrealistic, I have to disagree. God tells us of the love He wants us to have. He put it in scripture (1 Corinthians 13:4–8).
I believe that love will find you when you least expect it. I have faith in God and I trust His choosing. You just have to be patient.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Searching for that perfect word
I have always been one to have strange analogies about things. I understand things differently than most. I guess that I've always been that way..
A few years ago, the analogy of love being like a word search puzzle came to me.
Here it is.
Love is like a word search puzzle. You are looking for that perfect word. And each time you scan the page, you get a little bit closer. First you find the first two letters, you keep looking around those first two letters trying to make a connection with the rest of the word, but it doesn't work. It's got two letters you need but it's not the perfect word. Once you give up on the two letters you found, you see four letters of the word you need and they were close to the last two you found. You keep trying to connect those four letters in every direction you can think of but it never works out. And you get frustrated and by this point you want to give up. But then, when you thought it was hopeless, there it is, the perfect word. It was close to all of those almost perfect words. It took finding those almost perfect words to lead you to the perfect word.
Love is the same way. While on our search for the one that God has for us in this world, we often find something similar to what we want. But don't be deceived by the similarity. Just because that person has some of the qualities that you are looking for, doesn't mean that you should stop searching. It does mean that you are closer. But don't overlook the bad of that person just because they have a few of the qualities that you were looking for. You will find them. And each time you get your heart broken, it just means that you are that much more closer to finding the one God intended for your heart. That perfect word is out there. Don't give up!
A few years ago, the analogy of love being like a word search puzzle came to me.
Here it is.
Love is like a word search puzzle. You are looking for that perfect word. And each time you scan the page, you get a little bit closer. First you find the first two letters, you keep looking around those first two letters trying to make a connection with the rest of the word, but it doesn't work. It's got two letters you need but it's not the perfect word. Once you give up on the two letters you found, you see four letters of the word you need and they were close to the last two you found. You keep trying to connect those four letters in every direction you can think of but it never works out. And you get frustrated and by this point you want to give up. But then, when you thought it was hopeless, there it is, the perfect word. It was close to all of those almost perfect words. It took finding those almost perfect words to lead you to the perfect word.
Love is the same way. While on our search for the one that God has for us in this world, we often find something similar to what we want. But don't be deceived by the similarity. Just because that person has some of the qualities that you are looking for, doesn't mean that you should stop searching. It does mean that you are closer. But don't overlook the bad of that person just because they have a few of the qualities that you were looking for. You will find them. And each time you get your heart broken, it just means that you are that much more closer to finding the one God intended for your heart. That perfect word is out there. Don't give up!
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Right where I need to be
It's hard admitting that you've failed. But you only truly fail when you don't get back up and try again.
I've recently enrolled in classes to get my GED. Now I was supposed to graduate in 2012, but life got in the way. And I accept responsibility for not being in college yet.
It's hard starting over. And given the fact that the last time I stepped foot in an actual class room was when I was in 2nd grade, you can see why I'm nervous. But starting over is never easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and prayers. But I know that God is beside me each step of the way.
Throughout my life, there have been many different careers that I've considered.
I thought about being a singer, but that's hard to do when your voice doesn't sound like Mariah Carey and you have a slight case of stage fright.
I considered a fashion designer. But God tested me on that and we both decided that I love to sew, but it's not something that I want to do full time.
Being a songwriter has been a dream of mine since the age of 10 when I wrote my first song. It's a gift that God has given me and I know it's for a reason and purpose. And I know that when the time is right that God will open that door for me. But I agree that I'm not quite ready to walk through that door.
In 2010, I decided I wanted to be a cultural educator. It was even written in the paper during an interview that I gave. It's something that's in my heart and something that I really had thought would be my career path. It was after all the whole reason that I came out of my shell and started to find out who I was as a person. God tested me on this as well and as much as I love teaching and learning my culture, it's just not what's in my heart to do. I clung to that career path because of the connection that I have to it. It was after all the whole reason that I began to find myself. But God has other plans in mind.
I've always heard that God prepares you for things that are to come. I've prayed and prayed, begging God to show me what it is that I am to do with my life. Finally it hit me to look back on what He has shown me my whole life, what He has been preparing me for. As I looked back on my life I saw that He has always been preparing me to be a care taker, to help heal people, to bring a smile to those in pain and to make a difference in this world. He has been preparing me to be a nurse. After He revealed this to me last week, I recalled all of the times that people have told me how great of a nurse I would be and how I had the natural ability to care for others.
I know it's going to be a long road and I know I could have made the road a lot shorter if I hadn't have taken the long way around. But I believe that I went the long way around for a reason and that God will help me to use it as part of my testimony. After all, He is the one in control.
I may not be where I want to be in life, but I've always been right where God wants me to be.
Prayers for me during this journey would be appreciated.
I've recently enrolled in classes to get my GED. Now I was supposed to graduate in 2012, but life got in the way. And I accept responsibility for not being in college yet.
It's hard starting over. And given the fact that the last time I stepped foot in an actual class room was when I was in 2nd grade, you can see why I'm nervous. But starting over is never easy. It's going to take a lot of hard work and prayers. But I know that God is beside me each step of the way.
Throughout my life, there have been many different careers that I've considered.
I thought about being a singer, but that's hard to do when your voice doesn't sound like Mariah Carey and you have a slight case of stage fright.
I considered a fashion designer. But God tested me on that and we both decided that I love to sew, but it's not something that I want to do full time.
Being a songwriter has been a dream of mine since the age of 10 when I wrote my first song. It's a gift that God has given me and I know it's for a reason and purpose. And I know that when the time is right that God will open that door for me. But I agree that I'm not quite ready to walk through that door.
In 2010, I decided I wanted to be a cultural educator. It was even written in the paper during an interview that I gave. It's something that's in my heart and something that I really had thought would be my career path. It was after all the whole reason that I came out of my shell and started to find out who I was as a person. God tested me on this as well and as much as I love teaching and learning my culture, it's just not what's in my heart to do. I clung to that career path because of the connection that I have to it. It was after all the whole reason that I began to find myself. But God has other plans in mind.
I've always heard that God prepares you for things that are to come. I've prayed and prayed, begging God to show me what it is that I am to do with my life. Finally it hit me to look back on what He has shown me my whole life, what He has been preparing me for. As I looked back on my life I saw that He has always been preparing me to be a care taker, to help heal people, to bring a smile to those in pain and to make a difference in this world. He has been preparing me to be a nurse. After He revealed this to me last week, I recalled all of the times that people have told me how great of a nurse I would be and how I had the natural ability to care for others.
I know it's going to be a long road and I know I could have made the road a lot shorter if I hadn't have taken the long way around. But I believe that I went the long way around for a reason and that God will help me to use it as part of my testimony. After all, He is the one in control.
I may not be where I want to be in life, but I've always been right where God wants me to be.
Prayers for me during this journey would be appreciated.
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